Steven Gerrard owes me £50 Part 2

Frank Lampard
England World Cup Squad.
Shlosshotel Buhlerhohe

Dear Frank

I know I speak for the whole nation in saying we all understand that there is no point in wasting all your best stuff on the likes of Paraguay.

As you may or may not remember ‘Frank’, we met about a year ago in the Gulshan Tandoori restaurant in Islington. You, or someone who looked very like you, were sitting at the table by the door, and as I was leaving I came over and said “Hello Frank”. I think you were a little embarrassed at being ‘recognised’ as you made no reply and merely stared at me with a puzzled expression on your face. Ever since, I have always considered you a kindred spirit, as I too am of a rather retiring nature and often find myself lost for ‘words’. Because of this I feel it not too much of an imposition to ask a small favour of you.

The favour concerns your ‘mid-field’ partner Steven/Stephen Gerrard. I shan’t bore you with all the gory details but, as he has probably mentioned to you, he owes me £50. I know him to be a most decent and ludicrously wealthy man and have no doubts that he will pay up, but I think it might be a good idea if you could have a quiet word with him and remind him of the importance of doing the right ‘thing’. If you could do this for me I would consider myself very much in your debt.

I don’t know for sure that you and Steve are good friends, but it is a well-known phenomenon in football that players who have an excellent relationship on the pitch often hate each other’s guts off it. I can’t think of any specific examples of this off-hand, but I am presuming that the converse also applies.

I am, I confess, rather a fan of yours Frank, – not particularly as a football player, but I must say I have never tired of seeing your television advert for the ‘Goal’ supplement in the Sun newspaper in which you seem to hover in mid-air before blasting the ball into the old onion bag.

I appreciate you may well be busy preparing for the Trinidad and Tobago game, so please do not feel obliged to reply to this letter. However, if you fancy going to the Gulshan Tandoori again when you return from the World Cup, please let me know, as it would be good to catch up with you again.

Yours sincerely,

Antony Simme

P.S. It doesn’t have to be the Gulshan Tandoori – if you would prefer another Indian restaurant I am prepared to give it a try. After all, variety is the spice of ‘life’.


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