2006-08-02

Steven Gerrard Owes Me £50 The End


Steven Gerrard
The Liverpool Football Club
Liverpool
Northern England

Dear Steven Gerrard

My name is Mrs. Beryl Simme and I am writing on behalf of my son Antony. As you may or may not know (it was not widely reported) Antony died two weeks ago in a tragic domestic accident. The exact details of his death remain somewhat of a mystery. It seems the poor boy was looking for something in his living room underneath a very large and heavy oak cabinet which collapsed on top of him killing him instantly - or at some point during the six days his body lay undiscovered.

I have no idea what my sweet Antony was doing under there but the police pathologist found some small pieces of potato crisp in his outstretched rigor mortised hand - he thought they may have been Doritos but he could not say for certain.

I know this news must come as a shock to you seeing as how you and Antony were such close friends. I was the proudest mother alive the day he told me about ‘Furthering Underprivileged Children’s Knowledge Of Famous Footballers ‘- the charity the two of you had set up together. Knowing that a famous footballer such as your self was involved, I, and the ladies down at the Day Centre, were more than happy to donate the £5 Antony requested of us (each), (every week).

Antony was always very interested in the plight of young children and, judging by the suitcase I found on top of his wardrobe, also in amateur photography - an interest, as it happens, he shared with his late father. Isn’t it funny how life has its own way of handing things down and relentlessly carrying on – and, of course, of sometimes just stopping abruptly, as in Antony’s case.

In an attempt to put my son’s affairs in some kind of order, I am writing to everyone in his ‘Correspondence Sent’ file and informing them of the sad situation. I am not one to pry but I did happen to notice that you owe him £50. If you still intend to pay up, may I suggest you donate the money to your and Antony’s charity - or failing that to your local camera club? I would humbly advise that you resist the temptation to consider yourself ‘off the hook’ as regards the debt as a guilty conscience can be a very cruel mistress.

Strangely, I can’t seem to find my son’s ‘Correspondence Received’ file - though I’m sure it will turn up somewhere. There is a large steel cupboard with a huge padlock in his bedroom and, when I find the key, I expect it will be in there.

I must end off now but would just like to say that you should not listen to all those things people are saying about the World Cup. At least you can hold your head up high knowing it wasn’t you who let the whole nation down. The goal you scored against Brazil was magnificent and you alone held your nerve and scored your penalty in the Quarter-final shoot-out unlike the other gutless failures who should hang their heads in eternal shame.

God bless

Mrs. Beryl Simme.